Have you asked yourself (or another person you care about) that question more than once? Are you concerned about your behavior, but not sure if your use has turned into abuse? please consider the questions below, they will help you identify if there is a problem that should be addressed.
Can you get through the week without using drugs or alcohol? Do you find yourself trying to control your using, bargaining with yourself that you will only use or drink over the weekend, or have you started indulging daily? Do you find that even if you are trying to control or curb this habit you are obsessing over your next fix?
Are you able to stop using drugs or alcohol when you want to? Have you ever experienced withdrawal symptoms (felt sick) when you stopped consuming substances? Have you had medical problems because of your drug or alcohol use (memory loss, sweating, shaking, vomiting, convulsions)
Do you abuse more than one mind altering substance at a time? Do you find that to “balance” yourself you use more than one substance? If you consumed a downer (alcohol, pain medication) you need an upper (cocaine, Cat) to get you going? After a night of drinking, do you need to line of Coke to sober you up?
Have you had “blackouts” or “flashbacks” as a result of drug use? Have you woken up in the morning not sure how you got back home, trying to remember what happened? Have your family or friends been so upset with you about something you did or said, but you can’t remember it at all?
Do you ever feel bad or guilty about your drug use? How often do you feel shame and guilt? Or just find yourself angry with yourself, but find yourself taking that frustration out on others?
Does your partner (or parents) ever complain about your involvement with drugs? Has drug abuse created problems between you and your family? Have you neglected your loved ones because of your use of drugs?
Have you lost friends because of your use of drugs? Are you that person who is the last one to leave the party, asking everyone to stay for “one last drink”? have any of friends told you the next day that they are upset with you and the way you behaved? Have you noticed that friends who don’t use substances have drifted away from your life?
Have you been in trouble at work because of drug abuse? Have you lost a job because of drug abuse? How many Monday mornings have you called in sick? (and probably felt sick after THAT kind of weekend) Have you been accused of losing your concentration and focus at work, harming the company you work for? Have you been fired lately?
Have you gotten into fights when under the influence of drugs or alcohol? Its common to “lose your shit” when intoxicated. Maybe you connect to your anger much faster after consuming mind altering substances, perhaps you become more argumentative.
Have you engaged in illegal activities or been arrested while intoxicated? Has anyone been called to come bail you out of jail?
As you read this, how many times did you relate to the questions, knowing you have a story you can share from your life? If you have tried to control your drinking or using so many times, maybe it’s time to accept that your using is controlling you and your life.
There is no shame in asking for help, it might be the best time in your life to change and get onto your journey of healing and health.
From a young age we all find ways to help us cope in a world that can be frightening, painful and at times traumatic.
When we are not taught at a young age how to soothe our fears, pain, or anger. We find other ways to cope with those challenging times in life, most of us have developed ways that helped us to survive, only to find that in adulthood; those same coping skills that have protected us, have turned on us, and are now holding us prisoners.
You might relate and notice that you have some of these coping skills:
Disconnection – Addiction
Denial
Shopping excessively
Over-working
Isolating
Eating disorders
Disconnection can start at a very young age, if you are distressed as a baby, or a young child, there is no escape on offer – other than escaping yourself. In the disconnect, we find peace from hurt. Later in life when we are introduced to alcohol or drugs, the Disconnection is made so much easier, it can become instant. It’s a familiar and “safe” place that we know so well. We feel at home here. In the beginning, substances are the answer to that unresolves pain, rejection and hurt, but puts us into our prison once the addiction takes hold.
Denial, like the Disconnection, is a place of safety. In that space we can protect ourselves from the painful reality and live in our pretend safe space, where’s all around us, havoc can run riot, but we fail to look at reality for what it is.
Shopping excessively can give us an instant high, a feeling of power and achievement, the illusion of “filling” a deep hole inside us, only to find that the buzz is short lived. The emptiness persists despite the purchases we hold in our hands and the sensation of emptiness returns.
Over-working, being super active all the time is a trauma response. Working like crazy can make us feel good, important, and valuable. We can achieve high goals and it keeps us distracted from the emptiness we feel inside.
Isolation can feel safe, there is no one to judge us, no one we need to pretend to and the “pressure is off”. This too can feel like a safe space, but again, the loneliness is holding you imprisoned in your isolation.
Eating disorders can manifest when all around us, nothing is in our control and the only thing, we can control is our selves and our body. The control we gain over our body creates the deception of control over our life and surrounding, but in reality, we self-distract, punishing ourselves and our bodies.
Once we become aware that these are the coping skills that we have been using our whole lives, now what? Firstly, don’t become angry or frustrated with yourself. You have been doing this to protect yourself, regardless to if you understood it or not. In fact, you should thank your coping skill, it has helped you survive. Becoming aware has already given you the opportunity to change, to challenge your actions and to try new approaches.
To call my first (and only) time in treatment an eye-opener would be an understatement. As a sheltered and privileged person with a private school background, the stories I heard in group shocked me, while the warnings of counsellors scared me.
However, what terrified me the most in treatment was being told that I should stay out of a romantic relationship for an entire year (at the very least)! I was initially mortified. What on Earth does my relationship status have to do with my recovery? How am I going to survive being all alone for an entire year?
The second question here holds the answer to the first. What drove my self-destructive behaviour in the first place was my reliance on externally-sourced solutions to my internal problems. Can’t sleep? Pop a pill. Can’t study? Have a line. Don’t have the will or perseverance to implement real self-improvement and growth? Enter into a relationship where my partner will accept me no matter how stagnant and self-destructive I am.
There it is. The risk associated with entering into a relationship in early recovery.
This is not to say that all relationships that are started in early recovery fit into the above description. I am also not saying that all relationships where 30 day fitness or reading challenges are not present are inherently enabling or subpar. I am fundamentally opposed to absolutes.
The key thing to note, when dealing with relationships in early recovery, is that recovery is an extremely delicate process. A healthy functioning relationship takes hard work and commitment. It requires both parties to proverbially “fill each other’s’ cup”. Can a recovering addict afford to accept the responsibility of another’s wellbeing while attempting to heal years of self-mistreatment and neglect? The answer will be different for each unique case but I can imagine that such a task has the propensity to derail even the sturdiest of recovery plans. How will the patient handle a partner who cheats or lies? How will the patient take a breakup?
I know that thus far I have posed a lot of questions and the answer to these questions will vary greatly. However, what I can offer the reader is my personal experience and some general ideas and intuition that I have around this topic. I entered into a relationship with my current romantic partner 16 months into my journey of recovery. Did I purposefully wait the prescribed 12 month period until entering into a relationship? No. Were there periods where I desperately longed for someone to offset the loneliness? Yes. I think that the less frequently I experienced this desire, the more ready I was for a healthy and long-lasting relationship. Had I succumbed to entering into a relationship simply for the purposes of company and sexual gratification, I would risk repeating past mistakes. Such a relationship would be born of selfishness and a lack of substance. The less one longs for a relationship for the sake of relationship, the more comfortable they are with themselves. The more comfortable someone is with themselves, the more they can give of themselves.
Through our addictions we lose sight of who we actually are. How can we hope to enter into a relationship when we don’t even know who we are or what we want? If we become involved with someone before we have a better idea of this, we run the risk of prioritising knowing our partner and what they want over our own self-knowledge.
Should such a relationship continue for a long period of time, the partner lacking in self-awareness might completely lose their sense of self and live their life entirely for their partner. One might argue that such an arrangement is better than suffering in the abyss of active addiction and I would agree with that, but what happens if the partner in question leaves or (God forbid) passes away? Will that not send the recovering addict straight back into the throes of addiction?
In conclusion, I don’t think a simple yes or no answer would be sufficient in answering whether one can enter into a relationship in early recovery. It will depend on the individual involved, their progress and the partner that they choose to engage with. However, I do think that the more time an individual has had to heal and to regain some semblance of self-awareness, the better their chances of securing and maintaining a healthy and productive relationship.
If you’re wondering why this week’s blog post is not about how to spend New Year’s Eve (NYE) sober or how to survive such a party without relapsing, it’s because you’ve missed out! Check out our two blogs from earlier this month to find our tips and tricks for getting through any occasion without compromising on your sobriety.
This week, however, we dive into the annual frenzy surrounding New Year’s Resolutions. I suspect that due to the nature of 2022, the resolutions for 2023 are going to be particularly prone to failure. Not only are these resolutions notoriously unreliable (according to some estimates around 90% of them fail), but for those with addiction problems they can be outright dangerous. Here are some of the resolutions that are most likely to cause us recovering addicts the most angst.
I am going to get clean this year!
A noble resolution indeed but one laden with numerous problems. Should you relapse, are you going to postpone your sobriety to 2023? If you make it through the year sober, can you use in 2023? In active addiction, I would be salivating at the thought of parading this statement to the world! Why? Because it’s layered with so many opportunities to continue using. If I slip up in March, I have 9 months of using until “I am finally going to get it right.” Since this intention is only for 2023, I can get really intoxicated on NYE as my last hoorah! If one is serious about recovery and wants to give themselves the best possibility of success, start now. Don’t wait until 1 January 2023. You deserve sobriety, and all of the wonderful possibilities it brings, right at this moment. We don’t need events that are significant to the rest of the world to enact significant change in our own lives. We are significant enough. I am not saying that aiming to be clean throughout next year is unattainable or silly, I am saying that a commitment to recovery is a lifelong commitment! With this in mind, some might ask the following question: “A lifelong commitment is so intimidating, why can’t I break it into smaller chunks starting with an annual period?” My response to this question is that if long periods of time are intimidating to you, why start with a commitment period of an entire year?! Why don’t you start with today or tomorrow?
I am going to cut down on…
Whether it’s cutting down on sugar, cigarettes or binge-watching Friends (in my defence, I’ve never claimed to seriously try to cut down on Friends), this resolution is wrought with dangers. Firstly, if you really want to reduce your intake or participation in something, why not quantify that reduction? If you want to fool yourself and others, at least do it with conviction! Repeat after me, “I am not going to watch the entirety of Friends twice in 2021!” Oh wait, that sounds awfully similar to the first resolution. I know that as a recovering addict, making a commitment to cut down on something is short-lived. If only I could’ve just cut-down on my drinking. Again, wanting to eat healthier, stop smoking or have a more productive relationship with entertainment are not problematic goals in and of themselves. Sadly, it just isn’t enough to vehemently claim that we are going to achieve these things, as we so often do every December. If we really want to achieve these things, we need to put in place a proper game plan. If necessary, we need to seek out the help of professionals. Small, consistent efforts over a long period of time will give us better results than a giant impetus in the early part of the year.
While this blog has been light-hearted, I would like to adopt a more serious tone to conclude. I would sincerely like to wish all of you, on behalf of The Journey Team, a peaceful close to a tough year. 2022 has taught us so much about ourselves and others. I know that your commitment to improve, grow and succeed in 2023 is genuine and I know that you can achieve the goals that you have set out. You are deserving of it. Don’t compromise on your dedication to yourself and remain consistent and 2023 will finally be “this year”.
Ah, December. It’s that time of year again. The Christmas cheer is in the air and mouths are watering at the possibilities that the New Year will usher in (or if you’re anything like me, watering at the prospects of holiday-time feasts). Hopefully by now you’ve used last week’s blog post to help you navigate through your year-end function safely. If you haven’t had your end-of-year work party yet or haven’t checked out that article, give it a read here. If not, here are 5 tips to help you enter 2021 sober.
1: Set the Intention of Conquering December Sober!
This might seem obvious but one should not doubt the power of manifestation. Make a promise and commitment to yourself that you will come out the other side with your sobriety intact. If this step works for you, then you might be able to amplify its effects by making a pact with someone else in recovery so that you are also externally accountable!
2: Create a Periodic Check-In with your Recovery Mentor Figure.
Now, if you’re anything like me, you might be asking yourself what is a recovery mentor figure? How does one even earn such a title let alone find someone who bears it? If you don’t have a sponsor or addiction counsellor this role can be fulfilled by anyone in recovery that you admire and trust. Even if this person doesn’t have eons more clean time than you (a terrible measure of success in recovery in the first place), creating a daily/weekly appointment to speak to this person gives you a chance to offload if you’ve had a tough day or appreciate your strength and resilience if you’ve had a good one.
3: Reward yourself along the Way.
Whether its giving yourself a pat on the back with your ‘Recovery Mentor Figure’ (I’m trademarking this term) on the phone or gifting yourself something once the month of December is over, you need to incentivise yourself! More importantly, rewarding yourself is a perfect way to practice self-care, a pertinent tool in one’s recovery toolbox. Examples of longer-term rewards include setting aside money to purchase yourself that new coffee machine you’ve been eyeing. Shorter-term, more frequent rewards could be treating yourself to your favourite teatime biscuit at the end of the day (you’ll find me at Virgin Active in January) or watching an episode of The Queen’s Gambit. Keep it personal and actionable and you’re on the right path.
4: If Possible, Bring your Own Company to those Tricky Family Gatherings.
A sober companion would be ideal, but anyone who knows your struggle and is on your side will suffice. A friend’s presence alone makes most of life’s displeasures more bearable. Not only that, but troublesome family members and pesky family friends are less likely to pry and act out in the presence of someone relatively unknown to them. However, if your family is anything like mine, then this tip gets thrown out the window as they actually tend to increase their display of dysfunction in the presence of others. Your only hope then, is this last tip.
5: Set Boundaries and Always Choose yourself First
If the prospect of attending a certain event or gathering is plaguing you with anxiety and concern, don’t be afraid to make the decision not to go. Yes, you love your family members (and possibly even your in-laws) and they will certainly miss watching you squirm while your most embarrassing moments are relived for a good laugh, but your safety takes priority over EVERYTHING.
I repeat, your safety takes priority over EVERYTHING. Hopefully, the family members who matter will understand your decision not to attend a certain event. Those who don’t, don’t deserve an explanation.
If you, or someone you know, is facing a stressful upcoming December period, check out Journey’s social media pages (Facebook and Instagram). We post daily content centred on recovery that will certainly ease this difficult time. If this isn’t enough, feel free to reach out to Journey.
