DON’T lecture, blame, or scold me. You wouldn’t be angry with me for having T.B or diabetes. Addiction and alcoholism is a disease too.
DON’T throw away my drugs and alcohol, it’s just a waste because I can always get more.
DON’T let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you only confirm my bad opinion of myself, I hate myself enough already.
DON’T be inconsistent and make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.
DON’T believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my disease. Moreover, I’m likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.
DON’T let me take advantage of you or exploit you. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.
DON’T cover up for me or try in any way to avoid the consequences of my choices.
DON’T meet all my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to confront my issues. I can continue to deny my issues as long as you provide an automatic escape from the consequences of my choices.
For years the belief that addicts must “want” to go into treatment held me captive. My husband refused. I felt helpless. I tried crying, begging, keeping silent or screaming at the top of my lungs, nothing I did changed his resolve, he simply refused.
I was told that I need to wait for him to “hit rock bottom”, but he never did. Every time another terrible incident happened, I thought that has got to be his rock bottom; he barely survived this car crash, this time when he got arrested, he spent a few days in jail, this physical fight got him admitted to hospital, but none of these prove to get him any closer to that elusive “rock bottom” or to changing his mind about going to treatment.
I wasn’t aware at the time that there was another solution, I could have approached the courts to do what at the time I thought was impossible, and that is to make him go for treatment. I did not have to wait for him to make that decision, a court order would have given him no other choice. I can’t help thinking how many years of suffering I could have been prevented had I known this at the time.
It’s important to know People who suffer with substance abuse disorder often resist treatment because either they don’t believe they deserve help or that treatment can benefit them, and whilst intoxicated their brain is damaged, its structural function and decision making does not work as it should, it’s not that they are bad or useless or just want to hurt their families and themselves.
An involuntary committal or a section 33 is a South African law that allows for a person that has a substance abuse disorder to be committed and treated involuntarily at a rehabilitation facility. The act aims at helping families get their loved one into treatment, not to punish them, but to save them.
Often there is a crisis that motivates the family to act, it might be a potential overdose, the person has harmed themselves or others physically, emotionally or financially and neglected themselves or their family. It must be directly relating to substance abuse and must be a current or imminent threat.
It is important to know that a court order is neither a criminal matter nor a civil matter, but a family matter and it means the person suffering from substance abuse disorder will not have a criminal record. It’s more of a management tool.
How to go about it? To get a court order you need to approach a social worker who specializes in that field. She will conduct an interview with the family to get the background history from the person who is applying for the order (the Applicant) about the person with the substance use disorder (the Respondent).
The social worker will need information about the history of the person and the progress of the substance abuse, incidences that happened and why the applicant (person applying for the order) feels that the respondent (the substance abuser) is a threat to himself or others and cannot be left to their own devices. It is important to be truthful and not protect or hide the severity of the problem as you have already taken this step, now you need to do your best to save your loved one.
The process to get the court order It is important that the family give a very detailed report so the social worker can compile a comprehensive report for the court. She will present the family with court documents and an affidavit that will need to be completed and commissioned at the nearest SAPS. She will then approach the court with the matter for screening.
A summons will be issued against the substance abuser and if necessary, an application for warrant of arrest can be issued if the respondent (the substance abuser) refuses to appear in court.
In Court In court the Respondent will be read his/her rights, the respondent has the right to legal representation, and if the court finds that the person cannot afford a lawyer, the court can appoint one, or he/she can conduct their own defence (speak for themselves). The substance abuser can explain to the magistrate why he/she should not be committed to treatment. The magistrate may request a medical report or a psychiatric evaluation. The family member as the Applicant will have to be present in court when the inquiry is held. That is the difficult part. Part of the process is that the family may need to testify about their loved one, that can be quite distressing, keep reminding yourself that you are doing this to save the person you love, as right now, he cannot save him/herself. The judge will decide if there is clear and convincing evidence that the person has a substance abuse disorder and if there is a concern of harm to themselves or others. If both criteria are met, the person will be committed involuntarily.
What’s next? Families are often afraid of the anger and resentment or the grudge the person will hold against them, and it might be so at the beginning of the process. Most substance abusers don’t even realize the extent of their condition and only after detox, when reality slowly returns, and their denial is shifted, can they start to honestly look at their lives and the choices that got them into that situation. Most often in recovery they feel gratitude for the person who saved them from themselves and got them help for their addiction. The court order will last for 12 months.
If you are struggling with a person with substance abuse disorder who refuses to go into treatment, please call Journey Recovery and Wellness Centre, we have a social worker that can assist you with the proceedings and get you the help you need.
This end of year holiday period often makes me wonder how some of my interpersonal relationships have gotten to where they are. I didn’t always dislike this many family members did I? Have they always disliked me? A quick disclaimer before we jump right into this, this article suggests that you take responsibility for your half of a given relationship and not that you should bend over backwards when your efforts are not reciprocated. Also, the concepts explored below are all inter-connected and their development does not necessarily happen sequentially as listed below. Let’s explore some of the cornerstones of healthy relationships and deep connection.
Honesty
This is the most sound foundational attribute of any relationship. Without honesty, participating parties cannot truly know what the other party expects and wants, or how they feel. If this is missing from a relationship, understanding one another becomes infinitely more difficult. I can think of countless situations where honesty, and subsequently greater understanding, would have made my life much easier. Honesty also offers us the gift of freedom. Not being honest is so exhausting. Concealing the truth requires such careful planning and extreme vigilance that in retrospect I almost always regret not being honest in the first place. A personal example of this is how I have to continually wear long pants whenever I see my dad and his side of the family. Why? I have leg tattoos. Would it not be easier to just reveal the fact that I have ink on my legs instead of just passing on beach holidays? Certainly! Am I likely to wear shorts the next time I visit? Doubtful. The point I am trying to make here is that we have to accept the consequences of our actions. If a certain relationship in your life isn’t where you want it to be, revisit your actions before blaming the other person. Lastly, honesty leads to one of the most important aspects of any healthy relationship, trust.
Trust
Once trust is present between two people, they both become far more likely to be themselves. Knowing that you can be open and honest in front of someone is a great feeling and a great reason to keep developing a relationship with that individual. Trust also comes in handy when adversity must be faced jointly. Facing an external problem with someone that you trust and can rely on is much more effective than facing it in a shaky relationship. The latter means that along with the stress of facing an external problem, you will also be dealing with the stress of potential inter-relationship issues with the relevant party. Once trust is established in a relationship, the way is paved for respect.
Respect
Respect means that two parties can accept the differences between one another and even appreciate them. Respect means believing that the other party deserves a certain standard of treatment. This can be quite difficult to grasp and come to terms with as respecting someone implies that you accept responsibility (at some level) for their emotions and well-being. Furthermore, respect is a great asset to have when it comes to conflict resolution.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this crash course and maybe your own anecdotal experiences in interpersonal relationships. Please feel free to comment below so that we can be in touch!
Have you been playing the detective, trying to find signs, to prove your suspicions?
Perhaps you been running the conversation in your head over and over thinking how to approach the subject? How to get the help so desperately needed?
The family members are often the first to know and recognize that something is wrong, that the situation is dire, and that professional help is needed.
Here are a few tips on how to speak to your addict about going to rehab.
Change the narrative
There is so much stigma around addiction and rehabilitation centres and preconceived ideas. In simple, addiction is the desire to disconnect and rehabilitation is merely the process of restoration and connection. If you go into the conversation with this in mind, it eases the anxiety and fear around the addict stepping into his journey of recovery.
Have the conversation when you are calm
You will have more control and power over the situation if you are not shouting in anger and frustration. Rather be prepared with information and share your knowledge about the options available when you have this conversation.
Speak Without judgment or blame
Try not to accuse, blame, or shame.
Voice your fears over what you can see is happening, give examples of what behaviors are troubling you. Acknowledge the distress the person is experiencing and be supportive, reassuring, yet determined.
Speak about how YOU are feeling
Explain how the behavior you are noticing is making you feel.
When you (use substances, drink, miss work/studies/family functions) I feel (worried, frustrated, hurt, scared)
Be there for the healing process
Everyone needs to feel connected, leaving your family and home is a scary process for a person who is riddled with shame and guilt. Knowing that you are not going to be “dropped off and forgotten about” is a comfort for someone who doesn’t believe they deserve it after everything they put you through.
Stick to your boundaries
Make your boundaries clear and manageable, don’t threaten with a consequence you won’t be able to follow.
We suggest you encourage and support the recovery journey, but if the choice is not to get help, stop supporting financially, emotionally or in any other way. The message and your boundaries need to be clear; I will be here for recovery; I won’t participate in any way while substances are being used.
Be a united front
Speak to all family members beforehand so you are unified in the decision and boundaries you set. Don’t allow any manipulation to split you up or play you against each other. Preferably have this conversion with all family members present so you can support each other and be united in your message and there will be no need to repeat what was said and discussed.
This Wednesday, the world commemorates the UN Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. As such, we thought it fitting to bring your awareness to the high rates of domestic violence within South Africa. This, coupled with South Africa’s high addiction rates, can lead to miserable and nasty outcomes. Domestic violence occurs in many forms which can range from physical abuse, violence, intimidation, verbal abuse to sexual harassment and abuse. This usually occurs between partners or family members, within a household. Domestic violence does not always have to be perceivably aggressive; manipulation and emotional blackmail also form part of this abuse.
The perpetrators of domestic violence are usually family members that have issues with control and power. Substance consumption and abuse exacerbate these issues. According to the World Health Organisation over 30% of women who have been in a relationship state, they have suffered from some form of physical and/or sexual abuse. These figures are even more alarming when one considers that many women do not speak about the abuse they have faced. Psychological blackmail causes many women into thinking that men have the right to demand sex when, in fact, that is rape. Women are also perpetrators of domestic violence and abuse. Children are often the victims of the abuse carried out by women. Abuse in the home can take on many forms, and the presence of substances only make this more troublesome.
These issues are often intertwined with substance abuse. Again, according to the WHO, around 50% of men accused of killing their spouses were drunk when they committed the crime. The reason for this could be that substances promote loss of control and decreased rational thought and logic.
When an individual is on a substance, they tend to be reactive with minimal provocation, as opposed to when they are sober. This can often be marked by periods of remorse when the abuser promises never to hurt the victim again. Abuse and addiction have a lot in common. Once the alcohol wears off ,the violence and anger may decrease. Still, like addiction, the impulse to abuse and control returns, and the toxic cycle continues.
When substance abuse enters into the home dynamic, it puts a strain on all the relationships within the family. Co-dependency, lies, cheating and abuse enter into the house and create tension between spouses and children. Substances cause violence, anger and irritability, and if you are abusing drugs and alcohol, you are putting your family at physical and psychological risk.
Often there is a “code of silence” in a home marred with addiction and domestic abuse. The victims are either too scared to speak out or are shamed into keeping silent. There is more danger in keeping quiet than there is in speaking to someone about these issues. It can be someone close to you that you trust or a professional body. If domestic abuse is left unchecked and is not dealt with the victims in the home can suffer from long-term adverse effects.
Trauma and past experiences also have a lot to do with domestic violence and addiction. For many addicts, domestic abuse is something which they are familiar with.
Many addicts have been victims of domestic abuse themselves or any other forms of abuse for that matter. It is often behaviour that is learned over the decades, that does not get resolved. Other co-occurring illnesses such as anxiety, depression and schizophrenia that have not been managed or treated can also worsen the violent or abusive tendencies present in a person.
The longer one goes without addressing their experience of violence or trauma, the worse the effects of this will become. Abuse is a sign of weakness, fear and insecurity. At Journey we create a safe space for people who have suffered from trauma and as a result have moved further into the grips of addiction. We see the way out, and we want to walk that journey with you.
We believe that getting to the root cause of addiction and living a life of sobriety will bring about positive change within family dynamics. Contact us for more information on how we can help you or your loved one onto the path of sobriety and onto their next, beautiful journey.
