Its easy to have preconceived ideas, fears, and concerns about things we don’t know or understand. The unknown can seem scary, and we can get overwhelmed with doubts and worry. At a time when so much is already out of control, painful and chaotic, it is helpful to understand the process and the benefits that a rehabilitation treatment programme can offer. Rehab can save your life.
Addiction can kill you. The longer you wait the more severe your condition and the consequences are becoming. It is well-known that drug addicts and alcoholics have a shorter life expectancy than the rest of thepopulation. In fact, drug overdose is among the leading causes of death in the world today. Going to rehab can give you a second chance in life.
Detox with dignity
Trying to stop using substances on your own is not only difficult, but it can be dangerous as well. Surprisingly alcohol, and Benzodiazepines (pharmaceutical medication such as Stillnox and other pain killers) are among the most dangerous detoxes. You should be under medical supervision while you detox off the addictive substances. At Journey Recovery and wellness centre you will be given medication to assist you during the detox period so it will be a smooth procedure without distress, anxiety, or difficulties.
Understanding you addiction
Getting off the addictive substances is only the first step. You will be educated about your addiction and the behaviours or coping skills that you may have adopted. We will encourage you to challenge your own beliefs and denials about the harm they were causing in your life and your dependency on them. At Journey Recovery and wellness centre you will find counsellors and health practitioners specifically trained in helping you achieve your sobriety and support you on your new journey. You can benefit from their knowledge and guidance. Understanding your condition can empower you to make different choices and use other tools to deal with life issues without the dependency on a mind-altering substance.
Acknowledging your pain
Gabor Mate – “Not all addictions are rooted in abuse or trauma, but I do believe they can all be traced to painful experiences. Hurt is at the centre of all addictive behaviours. It is present in the gambler, the internet addict, the compulsive shopper, and the workaholic. The wound may not be as deep and the ache not as excruciating, and it may even be entirely hidden – but its there.” During group therapy you will have a compassionate supported space to explore and acknowledge your pain, releasing and sharing your experience can bring peace and healing.
From isolation to connection
Living life intoxicated is a lonely life. You spend your time obsessing about your next fix, avoiding your loved ones and your responsibilities. Family connections get neglected and friendships are diminished to people who will tolerate your behaviour or use substances with you. In rehab you will find friends that understand you and your struggles, who will accept you without judgment and support your journey to recovery.
Rehab can save your relationships
Going to rehab should always be for personal growth, but there is another benefit – it helps those in recovery rebuild burned bridges and re-establish relationships that your addiction had torn apart. During your drug using days, you lied to your loved ones, or hurt someone very close to you. While these wounds take time to heal, at Journey Recovery and wellness centre we will support and educate your family on your condition and help repair and restore your relationships.
It will give you back your life
Not only will rehab save your life, it can also enable you to regain control over it. Recovery is not only abstinence but a total shift in behaviours and intentions. By going to Journey Recovery and wellness centre, you learn to live without drugs, establish a new life full of sound decision-making, honesty, and peace of mind.
If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling hot water, she will jump out straight away, but if you put her into a pot of water and slowly raise the temperature, she will stay in that water until she is cooked.
That’s how I felt, cooked! During the many years of my loved one’s addiction my boundaries diminished into thin air, or perhaps I didn’t understand the concept of boundaries even before that?
If you grew up in a home where no boundaries were set, or where people violated your boundaries, setting and maintaining boundaries might be difficult for you.
Fawn is a trauma response, the least recognized one (we are aware of flight, fight, and freeze) Fawn is a trauma response that becomes a coping mechanism of avoiding conflict, people pleasing, making yourself uncomfortable for others to feel comfortable, having no boundaries, being overwhelmed and co-dependent, agreeing to things to just keep the peace, to establish some sense of safety.
When we come from codependent dynamics, setting boundaries can feel confusing, terrifying, guilt ridden, and foreign, you just don’t know how to do it.
Yet, having no boundaries with your addicted loved one sets the stage for disaster. To help yourself and your loved one ,you need to have boundaries, you need to understand practice and set very clear boundaries, for your safety, and ultimately for him/her as well.
It is said that “if your addict is happy with you, you are helping him/her kill themselves, if your addict is angry with you, you are helping to save his/her life”.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others” – Brene Brown
Boundaries are meant to protect us
Boundaries are part of self care, they are healthy, normal and necessary. They give us a sense of ourselves, defines our world, and keeps us safe.
Boundaries are personal fences, they don’t have to be electric fences (but can be), they can also be a consistent light around you that announces: I deserve to be treated with respect.
To keep people from coming into our personal space and taking advantage of us.
To keep us from going into the space of others and taking advantage of them.
To give each of us a way to represent our sense of who we are.
Set boundaries for your own wellbeing, not to control others.
How to set healthy boundaries
Clearly identify your boundary, understand why you need that boundary.
Think of what you do not want to see, hear, or do.
Decide on limits – what you will and will not tolerate.
Be straight forward and clear about what you want. Use a calm and polite tone.
Don’t apologize or give explanations, NO is a full sentence, it’s ok to be assertive.
Start with tighter boundaries (and then loosen up if appropriate).
Address boundary violation early, decide on an action should they be violated.
Expect resistance in the beginning and don’t let it deter you, remember that setting boundaries is an ongoing process.
Boundaries include action
Once you decide on your boundary, have an action planned, should it be violated, don’t choose something you will not be able to uphold, the action should be appropriate to the boundary that was broken.
“If this continues, I won’t be spending time with you”
“If you cannot respect what I’m asking, I will need space before we can continue this conversation”
“I’m not going to listen to you if you speak to me like that”
“If you continue to pressure me or attempt to guilt me, I am going to have to end this conversation”
“If you use drugs again, I will not be able to let you stay
“If you go out drinking, you can’t be in my space”
“I will support you 100% in recovery but if you choose to continue abusing substances you can’t be here”
Boundaries sound like:
“I understand you are angry, but you do not speak to me that way”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t help you this time”
“I don’t feel safe, so I am going to leave”
“I don’t give you permission to do…”
“I would appreciate you not bringing this up anymore”
“I am allowed to change my mind”
“I won’t be able to make it”
“I need time to think about this and I will get back to you later”
“If you text me, I’ll text back at a time that works best for me”
Signs that your boundaries are being violated
When someone says something which goes beyond your comfort zone …
You feel angry (especially if you don’t know why) or resentful
You feel hot and flushed
You feel overwhelmed, drained or smothered
You get irritated by sound or movement
Trust your intuition
Setting boundaries is not selfish, it sets the tone for healthy relationships, it’s important for your wellbeing.
Learn to trust yourself, to put your peace, comfort and sanity as your priority.
If something feels wrong, it is wrong.
If you are not sure, trust your intuition, your gut feelings will guide you.
Always trust your gut. Your brain can be fooled, your heart is an idiot, but your gut doesn’t know how to lie.
So often in addiction we lose hope that recovery is possible, every relapse feels like a failure, and we lose faith that things will ever change.
“Why can’t you just change, just make a decision, you just need to STOP!” How many times have we heard that, said that, prayed for it, only to be crushed by disappointment, betrayal, and frustration.
How do you keep on wishing and hoping for change when all around you things are falling apart and you seem so desperate?
Here are five points to help you stay focused on hope and guide you to recovery.
• Give credit for the small steps
• Keep achievable, reasonable goals that can be managed
• Understand the enormity of what you are facing
• Be compassionate, and don’t judge so harshly
• Don’t expect change in a short time
Give credit for the small steps
Looking towards the future without being able to drink and use any substance ever again is a very daunting thought. The enormity of it can become debilitating and scary. Keep in mind that it’s important to stay sober and do the right thing – just for today! Tomorrow will be another day, so just for today get up in the morning and make your bed it’s your first achievement of the day. Eat at regular times, look after yourself and care about your appearance and surroundings. All those small things did not matter during active addiction, give yourself credit for the change you are making already.
Keep achievable, reasonable goals that can be managed
In the first few weeks of sobriety most people feel they need to “catch up” and fix all the damage that was done while in active addiction and no not waste any more time, however this could lead to disappointment and burn out.
Keep your goals simple and achievable. Rather give yourself time and prepare for the long road. This is not a sprint, it’s a marathon.
Understand the enormity of what you are facing
Recovery is not for the faint hearted, its hard work, on a daily basis.
Imagine getting into the boxing ring with a world champion, only that your hands are tied behind your back, and you have a blind fold on. It is that difficult, dangerous and at times, it might feel hopeless. Take a deep breath. You don’t need to do this alone. There is support out there for you, trust that you can reach out and accept help.
Be compassionate, and don’t judge so harshly
Not every day is going to be a good day, and that’s ok. When you are struggling, try and avoid the harsh inner talk, remember you are your biggest judge, think how you would support your best friend if they were having a tough day, and practice that compassion towards yourself. Everyone messes up sometimes, but keep in mind its not how you fall, its how you get up, dust yourself, and stand tall in the face of adversity, you can do this!
Don’t expect change in a short time
Allow yourself the time to recover slowly, without rushing the process, you have probably been in active addiction for years, so give yourself the time to heal and recuperate, don’t expect it to happen instantly. Recovery takes time, there is no quick fix or miraculous solution. This is the long road, and like preparing for a marathon you will need to practice; train yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually, for that journey.
People who are addicted to substances or certain behaviors suffer from terrible shame and guilt.
Shame and guilt from the way they behave, the damage and pain they inflict on their families and the people who love them, wanting and wishing that they could “just stop” and not being able to mange to do exactly that. It can take years before they can admit to themselves and others how “defective” they are, not being able to drink like normal people do, and stop before it’s too late.
The shame and guilt fuels the addiction, its like a vicious cycle that cannot stop, the more guilty they feel, the more substances they will consume to try and block those feelings – which only continues the sequence of abusing themselves and others.
Core beliefs
For most addicts the idea of shame and guilt is a familiar feeling that did not start with addiction, they are the most destructive core beliefs that began in childhood. Shame is learnt in childhood when we are told “you should be better than this”, “why can’t you do better at school?”, “why can’t you behave as well as…”. When minor mistakes are treated like felonies, when we learn that to be loved you need to be “perfect”, otherwise love will be withheld from you, your shame grows in the darkness. A child cannot understand that no one is perfect, they interpret those messages as being abandoned, unworthy of love. It might not be reality, but to a child it can feel very real. It becomes so imbedded in the way they view themselves.
Seeing yourself as unworthy
Feeling of shame and guilt begin with believing you are unworthy. Unworthy of care, unworthy of happiness or success, unworthy of being loved. If you don’t see yourself as worthy of those basic needs, when you do receive them, you might feel like a “cheat”, you could end up creating the experience that will destroy what you believe you don’t deserve. Your distorted self-esteem will excuse and remind you, “yes, I was right, I do not deserve to be loved because I am no good.” And if you believe you are so bad, you can’t consider the possibility that you can change.
The difference between shame and guilt
Shame and guilt are not the same emotions.
Shame is primal, an old belief about oneself, like a chameleon it can manifest as rage, fears, controlling behavior, depression, or feeling numb. Shame is about the self; “if they will know how I feel, they will know how defective I am, I must hide that part of me”. Shame is your distorted self-esteem, a space where you feel trapped.
Guilt is connected to action, we feel guilty when we do something we know is wrong, when we break specific rules or morals. When we abuse substances and hurt our loved one. Guilt is about an action you do and not about you.
In recovery we learn that we have options, we can take responsibility for those choices.
“Shame dies when stories are told in a safe place” – Ann Voskamp
The very nature of shame is to protect itself from exposure, opening up and sharing your feelings can feel impossible and threatening, making one feel vulnerable and out of control, naturally one will want to stay loyal to that emotion, it kept you safe and helped you survive, but true healing comes when we allow ourself to share our deepest secrets, our shame, and accept ourselves for who we are, for not being perfect. Learning our true worth, challenging our self-beliefs, growing to trust and believe in our goodness and our ability to change.
In recovery we gain a sense of wellbeing that we might have never experienced before, a serenity and self-acceptance.
Be gentle with yourself, when making a mistake, take responsibility for your actions, become accountable and practice being kind to yourself, let go of the brutal perfectionism and allow serenity, peace, and healing into your life.
Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person you are using something or somebody to cover up your own pain. – Eckhart /Tolle
Ironically, when we begin to heal, we also start to feel sad and devastated – because we recognize how much we’ve lost, how badly certain people have failed us, what the younger version of us needed and actually deserved. Healing involves healthy grieving, no way around it.
We also start feeling the devastation of the consequences of our actions while intoxicated, the damage we have created and the pain we inflicted on the people around us, especially the people we love, it is impossible to overlook or avoid that. Healing is not going to feel magical or beautiful. Real healing is hard, challenging, and exhausting at times. Don’t try and make it into anything other than what it is. Be there for yourself with compassion and without judgment. And allow yourself some grace.
Recovery can feel like walking a tight rope, with every step that you take the rope will start to swing from side to side with the change, let it settle before you take the next step.
You’re in rehab, the rope is swinging, calm yourself, take a deep breath, it’s a long road. You finished the program, and you are moving back home or to a halfway house, it’s a big step, the rope is swinging again, quiet your nerves, take your time, let the rope rest before the next step.
Don’t hurry trying to “sort out” your life, there might be lots that needs to be fixed and mended, but it can’t all happen right now. Relationships will take time to heal, financial issues will need to be resolved slowly over time, don’t rush – you are going to crash. Remember it’s a tight rope and its swinging.
Small steps will get you there, the miracle of recovery will bring all of it back and more than you have ever expected, but on its own timeline, not yours. Just stay sober!
